hope that i get old before i die…

well, things seem to be up and/or down lately, depending on what time it is. on the one hand, i am finally getting my own apartment this week. this is a pretty big step for me, but i have to take it because i find that i am getting too comfortable living “at home” again. that, and i don’t feel like i should still be living at home at my age. it tends to turn off any potential dates when you say you’re living with your parents and you’re past your mid-20’s.

today was chinese new year, which meant a visit to my cousins and some feasting. some of my favorite foods were there, but my mostest favoritest food was not, and that means that i need to learn how to make them so that i can have them whenever i want. because every time we have a family gathering and i look forward to eating them, they are terribly absent from the dinner table. i am talking, of course, of the spring roll. i know the ingredients that go into them, i just need to learn to make the sauce that makes them so damn incredibly yummy. i could make 100 of them and i think it would take me about 3 days to eat them all they’re that good.

so after lunch/dinner with the family, i got very depressed for no apparent reason. i don’t know if it’s because i haven’t been getting much good sleep lately, or if it’s something else, but today has been an emotional day for me. i really don’t like having these kinds of days because it’s too much to be up then down then up again then maybe down, but you don’t know for sure until it happens. i have never been one to be overly emotional. all of my friends have always described me as “level”, some of them even going so far as to say “flatline” but i just ignore that kind of comment. i guess a lot of it has to do with all the things i’ve been going through lately, and the drama that i have let creep into my life against my better judgment. ok, maybe not against my better judgment, more like against my mediocre judgment but it felt good at the time so whatever.

so anyone who relies on the internet to keep in touch with me, realize that i may not be able to steal a wifi connection like *some* people i know ( love ya anyway) so i may not be around online for a week or so starting next week. hopefully i can score a great deal on broadband, because there is no way in hell i’ll pay for dialup. i just have to get a much much much better router than the one i have now, but that shouldn’t be too much problem. this is the land of cheap computer equipment, so i know i can find something if i wait for the right sale. and if not, there’s always craigslist or ebay

i have to say that both games today were super boring. i never expected both games to be decided so quickly. hopefully this will make a good super bowl, but i predict that the steelers will win it all.

in other news, i may be getting my own place very very soon. there are some pretty good deals going on right now, and i may be able to get the rest of this month and all of february for $99-150 depending on where i decide to live. *and* that is for a 1 bedroom, not a studio/efficiency. i may have to work a little extra to pay for it all, but i plan on being employed full time for a long time to come.

thanks to my friend roonie, i have been tagged with one of those things that people seem to enjoy inflicting on others who also blog. since she asked so nicely, i decided i would go ahead and answer this one:

4 jobs you have had:
1. pizza delivery guy (that was too easy)
2. computer guy
3. construction — especially house remodeling although the demolition part was always the most fun
4. tv delivery guy — well, it involved picking up tv’s and taking them to the shop too. you don’t know fun until you try to take a 60 inch projection big screen tv down three flights of narrow stairs in an apartment complex without scratching the tv or knocking holes in the walls.

4 movies you could watch lots ‘n lots:
1. Brazil
2. Team America: World Police (America! FUCK YEAH!!)
3. Monty Python’s Life of Brian
4. The Princess Bride

4 places you’ve lived:
1. Texas
2. Wisconsin
3. North Carolina
4. Texas

4 TV shows you love to watch: (i don’t watch a whole lot of TV as you can see)
1. MASH
2. Bones (it’s actually kind of interesting, imho)
3. All in the Family
4. Monday Night Football (might have to get cable next fall to get it again )

4 places you’ve been on vacation:
1. Los Angeles
2. Memphis
3. San Diego
4. Israel

4 of your favorite foods:
1. Whataburger (too bad it’s only found in Texas)
2. Home-made bread
3. Fried chicken
4. Vietnamese spring rolls (i could literally eat a whole tray of these things if i had the time and patience to make them myself)

4 places you’d rather be right now:
1. California (with a good high paying job so i could pay my rent and nothing else )
2. New Zealand
3. Australia
4. Canada (yes, exotic Canada)

4 sites i visit daily:
1. my friends’ blogs (have to count this as one)
2. security forums
3. cx500 owners club forum
4. fish profiles

4 bloggers you are tagging: (don’t know if they’ll see this or not, but here goes)
1. Chloe
2. Valorie
3. Calla
4. Babelfish

that’s all folks!

…a little better all the time.

well i managed to *almost* secure a position with a decent salary, the only thing waiting is the background check. but since i already passed two of them in the last 3 months i am pretty sure i’ll clear this one as well. so now i just have to hold out hope that one of the other jobs that i would rather be working will come through for me soon so that i won’t have to quit this job *after* i start working at it. i’ve already got my notice in to stop being pizza boy and i get to stay home for the super bowl too it may not sound like much if you’re not a fan of the american game known as football, but for me being able to watch the super bowl is like the, um… super bowl…. the point being that it feels like it’s been some time since i could feel good about things and things are finally starting to look up for me.

well i been down so goddam long
that it looks like up to me
i been down so very damn long
that it looks like up to me
yeah, why don’t one a-you people
come on and set me free?
— the doors

well, maybe not all clear, but i think i’m over my temporary insanity for now. i didn’t get to have the talk i wanted with the girl i was dating but i at least got to explain myself a little more coherently. and i have a few new leads on some jobs. hopefully *one* of these will work out for me soon. i am getting tired of being pizza boy. it’s not exactly what i had in mind when i was getting either of my degrees, and it’s barely paying the bills. on the “sweet revenge” side, my old job is in the paper *again*. this makes 4 of the last 6 weeks the ad has run. i offered to come back, but so far no response. so i am now officially at the “fuck it all” stage where they are concerned. i guess it’s not enough to do your job to the best of your ability, apparently you have to either be an asshole or a yes-man to get ahead, even at a family business. i hope i get another position soon so that i can feel like i “won” over them. if nothing else goes right for me this week, that is the one thing i would like to see happen: me getting another job while they still run their ad.

well, this has been an incredibly depressing start to the new year, especially after things were looking up for me not two weeks ago. or so i thought anyway. i guess i’ve been feeling like i’m in a rut, and i can’t find my way out of it just yet. i am usually optimistic, but it’s hard to see the bright side right now. i’m sure things will start to get better eventually, but i feel like i can’t wait for eventually to happen. i came here hoping to start over with a new life but things never seem to really work out the way you plan. i would be happy if *something* went my way instead of nothing — wishful thinking, i know. i guess i just need some reassurance from someone that things will work out ok for me, but it seems like nobody is around to be there for me when i need them lately….

i’ve got a little black book with my poems in
got a bag with a toothbrush and a comb in
when i’m a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone in
i’ve got elastic bands keeping my shoes on
got those swollen hand blues
i’ve got thirteen channels of shit on the tv to choose from

i’ve got electric light
and i’ve got second sight
i’ve got amazing powers of observation
and that is how i know
when i try to get through
on the telephone to you
there’ll be nobody home

i’ve got the obligatory hendrix perm
and the inevitable pinhole burns
all down the front of my favorite satin shirt
i’ve got nicotine stains on my fingers
got a silver spoon on a chain
got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains

i’ve got wild staring eyes
and i’ve got a strong urge to fly
but i’ve got nowhere to fly to
oooh babe when i pick up the phone
there’s still nobody home

i’ve got a pair of gohills boots
and i’ve got fading roots….

*note: for those of you who don’t like reading other people’s rants about their ramblings at 2am, i promise i’ll be back to normal sometime in the near future. but this is going to be a long one, and i just thought you would like fair warning ahead of time to skip it if you prefer.

ok, so i started dating this girl a few weeks ago that i met on a personals ad online. she’s had this rule from the beginning that we would only date three weeks and then either stay friends or not. i thought this was a little weird, but we seemed to get along over email so we made a date to get together and talked on the phone a few times beforehand. it turns out that she is separated from her husband and is just looking to meet people to fill the gap in her life. or something like that.

so we went out and ended up having such a strong connection that we pretty much abandoned our date and just sat and talked for 4+ hours straight about anything and everything under the sun. we had such a strong connection that she almost kissed me on our first date before remembering that she doesn’t kiss on first dates. i didn’t mind at the time cause i figured we would see each other more often.

well, we ended up going out again on our second date to do some karaoke and she brought along a guy she works with. at the time i was a little put off by this, because what guy wants a girl to bring a date when they are supposed to be going out? but i thought, it’s ok cause this is one of her friends and i should be able to hang with her friends if we’re going to be going out. even if we’re staying friends after 3 weeks i shouldn’t be jealous of her friends because eventually i’ll have to be in situations where we have some of her friends around. long story short, we ended up having a very good time, but she was *all* over me all night. she would lean on me, let me put my arm around her, she put her head on my shoulder when we were dancing and she kissed me pretty strongly at the end of the night. i am still wondering if she was trying to make her co-worker jealous, but either way i felt like she was completely mine that night.

so then we make another date and we end up having to cut it short because we both had to get up early. but the whole time that night she was a little distant and we still kissed but not as strong as the other time. and i felt kind of like she was pushing me away. we made plans for later on, but it felt more like work than dating. “let me pencil you in between my hair appointment and my manicure”. ok, she didn’t actually say that, that’s just what it felt like.

tonight we did karaoke again (again with her co-worker) and she said our three weeks were up and wanted to know if i still wanted to be friends. well, of course i still want to be friends, but for the last two and a half weeks i’ve felt like we were becoming more than friends. when i tried to explain this to her i totally fucked it up and i think i came off sounding a little whiny and pathetic. i just didn’t have my thoughts in order.

i wanted to bring things up to her along the way but she sucks at returning phone calls and said she hates having email conversations. so i’ve had to hold this in for the last two weeks, waiting for my opportunity to present itself. and when it did, i completely screwed it up. but part of this is because she went back to her co-worker’s house to watch a movie with him. yeah. this is the part that has me writing here at 2am trying to lay it all out before i lose the feeling and my words come out hollow. we agreed that we should talk about these things tomorrow night, but i hope that i don’t sound pathetic tomorrow. i want this to be clear and from the heart and i hope that it clears the air and allows us to learn from our experience and continue to be friends together. it wouldn’t be so hard to transition to friends if we had just gone out as friends in the first place. but that kiss on our second date, even though she brought this guy along, and the way she acted that night had me thinking we were going to click. i can’t say that i didn’t expect this to happen, i just held out hope that it would not happen this way. and she told me that she’s not sure she’s ready to date full time seeing as how she’s still dealing with her former relationship on a daily basis. so i have to understand things and just take my time and let her sort out her baggage on her own — or with my help if she wants it — while i take care of my own life. and if things work out right, we’ll both be ready to continue things where we left off. and if not, then we at least know that we can have a good time together even if nothing more than friends will come of it. ok, now it’s 2:30am and i think i should really be finding my way to sleep now. if you are still reading this far i wish i had a prize to give you, but you’ll just have to settle for my thanks in taking the time to sort through my thoughts with me.

*holds hands as far apart as possible*

so i went to get my teeth cleaned for the first time today in at least 5 years. yes, i know this is incredibly gross and disgusting, why do you think i decided to finally go in and do something about it? i was constantly reminded of a joke from one of my favorite comedians, mitch hedberg: “my teeth have got so much tartar, i don’t have to dip my fish sticks in shit!” the lady who cleaned my teeth out kept telling me “oh you have such beautiful teeth, it’s very good you came in”. i think she was trying to hit on me a little, or at least flirt around with me, cause she told me how familiar i looked to her and then laughed at a couple of REALLY stupid jokes i made. laughed like it was the funniest thing she’d heard in years. she was a little older than me, but i never expected to pick up a woman based on the attractiveness of my teeth. in fact, the whole reason i found myself in the dentist’s office today is because i felt like my teeth were getting to that point of being *un* attractive. but she scheduled me in for another appointment in a couple weeks, so i guess we’ll see how attractive my teeth are at that point…

i guess i should start with the beginning of the day, or rather the end of last night, to set the stage for this entry. i’ve been getting mixed signals from the girl i started dating last week. she originally said she only wanted to date for a very very short time and see where it takes us. but we had such a strong connection on our first date that i thought we had really found something to be excited about. i was certainly excited to find someone that i could talk to about so many things and just keep talking and talking and talking and still feel like talking some more, even after we said our goodbyes for the night. she acted a lot like she was already considering being my girlfriend on our second date, but now she barely has time to talk to me. we got together to grab a bite to eat last night and i just didn’t feel like she was really into things with me. i don’t know if it was her actually not being into me, or if it was just my doubts and insecurities coming through. but she ended the night by saying that she was going to do karaoke tonight if she was up for it, but never mentioned whether or not i would be welcome to come with her. this kind of set the tone for today, when i have had a kind of cloud hanging over me all day

i went in to work today and just couldn’t catch a break at all. out of 12 deliveries i took today, only FOUR of them tipped more than a few cents. not only that, but the manager skipped me and almost all the other drivers and gave a huge order to the last guy on the list to get a delivery. when i asked he said “cause he was just standing around” if i had known that was all it would take to get to go to the front of the line i would stand around more often.

and then i was supposed to get together with this girl who used to work there tonight. she said she was hanging out with her mom all day but she would be around later tonight and we were gonna go out after i got done working. but she never returned my calls to let me know when she would be available, and i have no idea what might have happened there. i thought things were going to be cool between us cause we seemed to get along pretty well, but the only thing i can think of is that her mom must have put up a fuss about her going out or something and made her change her mind

anyway, all these things have me in quite the foul mood tonight. and whenever i feel like this it seems like nobody is ever around to let me talk it out with them on the phone. i know if i could just talk things out that i would be able to get over it pretty quickly, but these things just seem to linger when i can’t get ahold of anyone. then i end up sitting and stewing about stuff and that is never good. they say blogging is somewhat therapeutic, but it is just not doing it for me today….

the only thing that went right for me tonight was that i ended up getting a free car wash when i filled up my tank cause the owner of a car wash down the street from the gas station heard me ask about getting my car washed and offered me a free wash if i went to his business. so that was good, because i thought i was going out later. and i didn’t want to show up with a terribly dirty car, although if i had known ahead of time how things would have turned out today i would have never gotten out of bed this morning….

in case anyone was wondering, and because i can’t think of something else to write about, i am going to post the song that came to mind when i created this space you see before you. it was originally done by one of my all-time favorite bands and released in 1985 on the bar none label. i guess i have always identified with the sentiment, if not the literal interpretation. ignoring the obvious reference to the song from the who, there is just so much in life to see and do, how could anyone want to leave this life before they have a chance to see and do any of it? i guess i am also feeling like i am getting a second chance to do some of the things that i never got to do for the last eight years (like see other people ), so from that standpoint the title has double meaning for me…

sometimes i feel like being wispy
and once in awhile i feel like being dry
but we’re doomed and we’re drowned by this feeling we surround
so i hope that i get old before i die

oh it’s a long long rope they use to hang you soon i hope
and i wonder why this hasn’t happened
why why why?
and i think about the dirt that i’ll be wearing for a shirt
so i hope that i get old before i die

clear off the kitchen table darling
for on the kitchen table i must lie
i’m just tired for my wife served the banquet of my life
and i hope that i get old before i die

oh it’s a long long rope they use to hang you soon i hope
and i wonder why this hasn’t happened
why why why?
and i think about the dirt that i’ll be wearing for a shirt
and i hope that i get old before i die

oh it’s a long long rope they use to hang you soon i hope
and i wonder why this hasn’t happened
why why why?
and i think about the dirt that i’ll be wearing for a shirt
and i hope that i get old before i die