hope that i get old before i die…

i’m sure i could find something to say if i thought long and hard about stuff to write about, but i’m not in the mood lately to be thoughtful and insightful. met a girl last night who looks *just like* kaylee defer from the tv show “the war at home” but it wasn’t her. at least, she didn’t admit to being the same girl. plus there was the slight eastern european/possibly russian accent that just convinced me that it wasn’t the same girl. and the fact that the one i met last night was at least in her late 20’s and the girl from the show is young enough to play a high school aged character. but i digress…

i have lived in LA for a total of one week now and i have learned how to navigate the city for the most part without getting on the freeways once. of course, this means when i *must* use the freeway i have to check the map because i have absolutely no clue which highway goes where, except for the 10, the 110, the 210, the 605 and the 710. this means nothing to anyone outside the area, so don’t worry if it sounds confusing the upshot is, i know where these highways go, but not always how they connect, so it makes for some quick exits, but most people are used to drivers suddenly veering off across four lanes of traffic to make their exit at the last second, so “when in rome” as they say.

all in all things are going pretty well so far. i should know this week where i’ll be working. i’m pretty sure i’ll get at least one offer from one of three different companies, but i’m hoping more than one makes an offer so i can pick and choose. but work is work and they all pay much more than i was making before so i can’t really complain too much i live in a neighborhood populated by more dogs than people, but it’s quiet except for the barking. maybe it’s the barking that keeps the bad element out? i know criminals seem to be deathly afraid of dogs, so i wouldn’t doubt it.

other than that, i am meeting a friend out to go see talib kweli this week. by the time the show comes around, i’m hoping it will be in celebration of a new job. but if not, at least it will be fun to go to and hang out. maybe if i’m lucky i’ll get to meet kweli as well hey, stranger things have been known to happen, and it would be par for the course in this town to rub elbows with some kind of celebrities every now and then…

Pack up all your dishes
Make note of all good wishes
Say goodbye to the landlord for me
Sons o’ bitches always bore me
Throw out those L.A. papers
Moldy box of vanilla wafers
Adios to all this concrete
Gonna get me some dirt road backstreet

If I can just get off of that L.A. Freeway
Without getting killed or caught
Down the road in a cloud of smoke
For some land, some land that I ain’t bought, bought, bought
If I can just get off that L.A. Freeway
If I can just get off of that L.A. Freeway
Without getting killed or caught

Here’s to you old skinny Dennis
The only one I think I will miss
I can hear your bassman singin’
Sweet and low like a gift you’re bringin’
Play it for me one more time now
Got to give it all we can now
I believe every word you’re sayin’
Keep on just keep on playin’

If I can just get off of that L.A. Freeway
Without getting killed or caught
Down the road in a cloud of smoke
For some land, some land that I ain’t bought, bought, bought
If I can just get off that L.A. Freeway
If I can just get off of that L.A. Freeway
Without getting killed or caught

Put the pink slip in the mailbox
Leave the key in the old front door lock
They will find it likely as not
With all the things that we have forgot
Oh my lady now don’t you cry
Love’s a gift that’s truly handmade
We got somethin’ to believe in
Now don’t you think it’s time we were leavin’

If I can just get off of that L.A. Freeway
Without getting killed or caught
Down the road in a cloud of smoke
For some land, some land that I ain’t bought, bought, bought
If I can just get off that L.A. Freeway
If I can just get off of that L.A. Freeway
Without getting killed or caught

well, i’ve been in LA for only two days and already i’ve met some incredibly talented people in the music industry. mostly independent people, like terra naomi and reah valente. and not only that, but i met the singer from what made milwaukee famous some weeks ago and got to briefly hang out with him and his band tonight.

oh, and meg white of the white stripes was in the crowd tonight. i like their music but i’m not a big fan by any means. so i pretty much admired her from afar. i am reminded of what the late great mitch hedberg once said (paraphrasing): “when you meet an artist and you don’t know their body of work you have to divert from that fact. ‘hey meg white, do you like toast too? yes as do i… it is warm and crispy. and the perfect place for jelly to lay. now get the fuck away from me i got nothing to say to you!”

last day on the job today. it was quite emotional having to say goodbye to everyone (except my evil manager of course). especially this one girl who i’ve become very close to and would love more than anything to be better friends with her, but of course since i’m leaving i won’t have the opportunity to be more than the occasional visiting buddy. but such are the consequences of our decisions in life. she and i are very much alike in a lot of ways but in many others we are so totally different it’s more than interesting to find the differences. yes, this is purposely vague again. i really don’t want to get too far into the details but suffice it to say that we have a very close outlook on life but our personalities are very divergent from each other.

i also got to say a lot of the things that have been on my mind in a very positive manner for both me and the company. there are a lot of problems with the way they operate which go against everything the company stands for and they need to be addressed. today was a very big step in the right direction but knowing how things work with this manager, i’m not sure how long it will last. it most likely will be a constant battle of wills with nobody winning in the end, but at least there is a dialogue instead of a monologue.

and now i’m heading to california to find my way in this big crazy world we call home. i’ve gotta go where the work is, and hopefully find a place where i can not only fit in but make a good living and have a lot of positive experiences. today was a very positive experience until the end, but it was too little too late and now it’s over and it’s time to write a new chapter in the book of life. i leave in less than 8 hours and it’s still not sinking in. well, i’ll still be around here in a couple days but for now i must sleep like i haven’t slept in weeks.

but now it’s time for me to go
the autumn moon lights my way
but now i smell the rain
and with it pain
and it’s headed my way

sometimes i grow so tired
but i know about one thing i gotta do
ramble on
and now’s the time
the time is now
to sing my song
i’m going round the world
i gotta find my girl
on my way
i been this way
10 years to the day
ramble on
and find the queen of all my dreams

well, everyone at work seems to be pussyfooting around the fact that i’m leaving. like they don’t want me to do too much before i go but they also don’t want me to just sit there for 3 more days and play on myspace all day either. so it’s kind of a very relaxed, just hang out for 3 more days kind of thing going on. which is nice, but it’s pretty much been my schedule for the last 2 months, the only thing that’s changed is that i’m leaving.

the biggest thing going on too, is that my leaving is starting a kind of avalanche effect. people who were solid employees for many years are starting to look around for other work. for me it’s no big deal since i haven’t been there very long, but these are people who literally built this company and they are being forced out simply because of one person’s ego and controlling nature. it’s very sad to see it happen because i really did like working here, but i just can’t go on when the person directly responsible for my development as an employee is purposely holding back work from me and lying about it to my face. it certainly doesn’t give me confidence that i will be allowed to grow into my position, and what about review time? how good of a review do you think that i’ll get from this situation? when my every move is scrutinized under the microscope and i’m being lied to about my performance? i’m not counting on getting a very glowing review at all, that’s for sure. so… the only thing left for me is to have an exit interview and then i am done. hopefully my leaving will get the ball rolling (or the proper heads ) and things will get better for the rest of my co-workers, but in a few days it won’t be my problem anymore….

well, i put in my notice at work last week. by this time next week i’ll be on my way to california to make my way in la-la land. by this exact time next week i’ll probably be taking a rest somewhere from driving my ass off — literally. the ironic thing is, now that i’ve given my notice my boss has become incredibly nice and respectful to me i’m sure she probably sees this as a victory for herself, since everything always has to be her way in her head. but i get an exit interview where i get to tell all so i’m hoping that goes very well (for me ).

getting all my shit together for this move has freaked my cats out big time. cats don’t normally like change, especially when you take away their favorite hiding places and make a lot of noise doing so. they’re really going to hate tomorrow when they move in with my dad for the time being until i get settled and can get them again. nothing i can do about that unfortunately, but it’s looking like i’ll barely have room for *me* in my car, much less two cats that i have no idea whether or not they’ll even be accepted where i end up living.

but at least i’m not in a miserable position anymore, and there’s so much opportunity for me where i’m going that i am very positive that i will be able to find something more to my style and tastes. not that this job wasn’t, but it was made unbearable by having a manager who openly shows disdain for my skills and actively works to prevent me from having work to do. but that’s behind me in 6 days, so there’s no point building up bitterness at this stage. i’ll get my day in the sun (as much as possible) on friday and then i get to walk away knowing i got to say my piece. hopefully i will be heard as well…

i have been frantically recording all of my (vinyl) albums in preparation for a big move i’m planning in a couple weeks. i’ll have to store them because i won’t have room to bring all my stuff right away, so i’m trying to get all the music i haven’t heard in a long time recorded, otherwise it will be who knows how long until i can hear it again? this has been like hanging out with old friends that you haven’t seen in awhile, thinking about the good times/bad times - you know i’ve had my share. (please excuse the shameless reference to music lyrics btw )

i don’t know how anyone out there is with their music, but i have so many memories wrapped up in each and every song on all of my favorite albums. the queen song “tenement funster” reminds me of the last big move i made and the ideals i took along with it. “the unknown soldier” from the doors takes me back to the first persian gulf war when i started becoming more politically aware and active. and don’t even get me started on all the memories i’ve got stored inside the notes of “the wall” from pink floyd. it would take me YEARS to write down all the things those songs remind me of. each individual note played in that record brings up a fountain of memories that still remain somewhat fresh even after over 15 years of listening to that album. i would most definitely not be the person i am today if it were not for the influence of the music i have fallen in love with over the years.

saw him talking on leno tonight and he made a comment that i should not be surprised about but i still am. he was talking about the conflict between lebanon and israel and made the comment that there is “no moral equivalency” between the israelis and hezbollah because hezbollah is “launching rockets at civilian areas with no regard for who they hit”. hmmm… considering there are close to 1000 civilian dead in lebanon as of this writing, and only a few dozen at most in israel, it seems like he’s correct that there is no moral equivalency, but i think he’s got his equivalencies mixed up a little. the shelling of Qana by israel, and the killing of UN observers as well i’m sure were purely “accidents” as israel describes. as were the bombing of all the other civilians. after all, only terrorists purposely bomb civilians right? and hezbollah has targeted israel’s main airport, hundreds of bridges, called in air strikes across the country and has mounted a ground invasion into israel right? no? hmm… so where is the moral imbalance again?

but i should expect nothing less than 100% support for israel from any of our government leaders. after all, we give israel by far more aid than any other country in the world. the running total that i’ve seen thrown around is something on the order of $13 million EVERY DAY SINCE 1948. i doubt anyone in our government is going to be critical of anything israel does, even when it goes against deals we’ve made with them, like that road map thingie that is pretty much only an academic piece of paper at this point. the whole deal is just ridiculous to watch unfold politically. and of course, we’re still sending israel all the weapons they ask for, even though it’s against US and international law to use weapons we’ve sold to them to attack civilian targets, or use them against insurgencies like the palestinian intifada. as long as it keeps being referred to as a war, our nation’s leaders are willing to look the other way in every instance, even when it’s obvious that the targets are not truly related to the war effort. i guess it’s become too much that my country live up to the ideals it supposedly stands for, and follows the laws it’s set out for itself. i’ve always known there is a certain level of hypocrisy that goes into political arenas such as this, but it’s never been shown to be so deep as in this particular conflict.

so i spent the better part of 4 hours with my two uncles on my mom’s side. for those of you not keeping track, they were not born in this country and speak just enough english that we can talk to each other and understand each other for the most part. one of my uncles graciously gave me some storage space in his garage and i gave him my “nice” fish tank for his son who loves looking at fish in a tank. then he took me out to eat at a vietnamese restaurant where we sat around hanging out with everyone and having a few beers. it was just like hanging out and having a few beers with anyone anywhere except for the fact that i only understood about 1/4 of what was said.

one of my uncles even told one of his friends (in vietnamese) that i “don’t understand vietnamese” but i *definitely* understood that one i told him (in english) that i understand some and he quickly said (in vietnamese) that his friend needed to watch what he says cause i can understand some of it. i think i could definitely begin to become fluent if i spent enough time listening, but that’s true of any language i’ve been exposed to. the summer i spent working with 3 mexican guys, i got to the point where i could understand most of what they were saying even if i couldn’t speak it back to them. and when i went to israel in 2002, i was able to pick up the phonetics of hebrew pretty quickly but i had some trouble distinguishing between some words. i would love to sit down and immerse myself in all the languages of the world, but i know that not only don’t i have time for that, but i doubt i would use more than a few of them at a time. well, i can always work on the ones that i know i will use and just pick up what i can where and when i can…

well, i went to my usual karaoke hangout tonight, hoping to find my three hotties from the week before. only one of them showed up this week, but she brought some friends along who were *almost* as hot as the other girls i met last week. but the real clincher was when this guy showed up that i thought looked incredibly familiar. as i am usually not up on current tv, i couldn’t *quite* place his face but i knew it was from the tv. then i realized i was looking at garrett from hell’s kitchen. i got to talk to him a bit and learned some of his future plans now that he’s not on the show anymore. i’m not star struck or anything, but it’s kind of cool to hang out with a minor celebrity on a chance random encounter like that.

so i’ve found another couple boxes of old stuff that i missed the last time around. this time it was more from the college years than as far back as the other boxes of stuff. there were still quite a few memories, but not quite as strong as the older stuff. i found another batch of poetry from around 1994, about the time when i stopped writing poems. a lot of them are unfinished poems too. i can tell cause they stop abruptly and have huge sections crossed out

and i also found a large collection of sports programs and media guides that i got from my early college years. they had this program where you paid $100 in the fall semester and you could get into any sporting event — including football!! — for the entire school year. this counted any playoff games for volleyball, basketball, baseball — pretty much any sport but football as long as it was a home game. for someone like me who likes a lot of different sports, especially football, baseball and volleyball, it was too good to be true. even better was that the women’s teams would come back out after the game and sign the media guides and programs and talk to the fans i got to talk to them a lot and ended up as close acquaintances with some of my favorite players, which was very nice. unfortunately, being the immature guy that i was back then, i didn’t know what to do after i got them to talk to me. and i kind of got a little star-struck talking to them, which is never a good combination. oh well, live and learn right?

it’s been really interesting going through all these things that i not so much forgot about but sort of lost over time. it’s a lot like reconnecting with old friends and reminiscing about the good old days. like the following, which came out of the poems i found and was meant to be a feeble attempt at songwriting. of course it never materialized as a song, because not only did i have no clue how to write a song (still don’t really) but it’s still unfinished and unedited.

My thoughts bend onward as the road unwinds,
Knowing that she waits at the end of the line.
Not that much further, I’m feeling fine,
Hoping she’s still waiting at the end of the line

The end of the line is where I hope to be
The years roll by and leave only memories

A stop for gas, a quick bite to eat, then
I keep moving closer and closer again.
Towards the one that will cheer my soul and then
Our parting will see us much closer as friends.

The end of the line is where I hope to be
The years roll by and leave only memories

I’m finally there; I got here on time
A hug and a kiss for the changes we find
And a thought sticks out in the back of my mind:
She waited for me at the end of the line.

The end of the line is where I will be
When the memories finally catch up to me.